Is it possible to be deeply True to who I am, and at the same time have a thriving respectful relationship with another, or others? A win-win rather than a debilitating compromise?

One of the keys to the apparent dilemma has to do with having the faith and the guts to tell one’s own Truth; this requires the loving space for each to be able to tell his/her Truth without judgement, whatever is being said. It isn’t so much saying what we’ve “done” or “not done”; it is more about knowing how to honour what our bodies are telling us, and feeling the nurturing space to be able to express what’s going on inside us. It may sound easy when we’re in the flush of Love, but old trauma, often reaching as far back as earliest babyhood, lies hidden ready to bring up fears and untold anger, which can make Deep Truthfulness a very scary place.

To make matters more challenging, women and men often have different ways and expectations as far as what is considered to be Truth; different family “traditions” and upbringing, different cultures, different ways of reacting, etc – all these things add spice and interesting complexity, though hardly ease.

One of the greatest challenges to being True to our innermost feelings is that most of us have spent years learning to try and do the exact opposite. Society, generations of family “lore”, friends, school and work have encouraged us to seek approval from the outside, to fit in, to be acceptable and not to “hurt anyone else”. However, while many of us manage to appear to be pleasing others, we may often manipulate the situations we are in so that we still get what we, deep down in our hidden selves, feel we need. Many of us do it this way because we don’t wish to be seen as one of “those people who run unfeelingly over others” in a steady stream of apparently self-centred egotistical actions “without consideration for any feelings other than their own!” If we are more truthful, we may admit to having a grudging admiration for “them” – at least they say and get what they really want!

The deeper and more intimate our relationship(s), the less possible it is to play the manipulation game without profound hurt and increasing animosity, however good our intentions. When we begin to feel gently powerful within, we then begin to stop feeling threatened by others. The more genuinely empowered we are, the less we find we play the games of untruthfulness – we have nothing to lose by others living fully in their desires, we understand that we are complete in ourselves. For it is only when we feel we “need” something of the other, like approval, that we are tempted to be less than honest. The curious thing is that when we do this, the person we are hurting most and being least honest with, is actually ourselves. An unfortunate paradox, to say the least, though in the middle of our discomfort we may often choose not to see it that way, and to blame the other(s) instead.

Another part of the challenge is learning how to ask directly for what we want, whatever answer we get. This requires both being able to feel and acknowledge our desires and wishes, and also sufficient detachment to be able to take a "No!" without it being personal. Of course,

In this process, the path towards healing is found much more in the body than in the mind. The body is not made to tell lies! When we learn both to access and to own our body-feelings, we may begin to empower our own path towards self-realisation; by doing this, we help our nearest and dearest to do the same. Beginning this process may be painful; like releasing a hand that has tightly been gripping something from fear. Later, when being sincerely True is becoming a joyful habit, one may wonder why it took so long to get there; for the rewards are indeed awesome.

At Christal Temple we work with individuals as well as couples and small groups.

Odd though it may seem, the most efficient way for anyone to improve their most intimate environment, is by changing their own inner landscape from pain to pleasure, from fear to truthful Joy. Though it is often good to work with all parties in a relationship, effective change can be made by working with any single part within that relationship, and often more effectively! In any system, a change in one part necessitates change in the rest, even if a specific outcome can by no means be assured. But you never know - it may be even better than you imagined possible in your wildest dreams!

John Overton  rev October 2007